What to write?

I could easily write a gossip-filled analysis of the social goings-on at this year’s Pikes Peak Writers Conference–complete with names, dates, and mortal sins committed. After all, it was a weekend full of drinking, cussing, flirting, rumor-mongering, boundary-pushing, drinking, young-meat stalking, agent-and-editor-meat stalking, drinking, talk of gay porn, lesbianism, and open marriages, drinking, propositioning, ass-kissing, ass-grabbing, ass-smacking, slander, infamy and–did I mention?–drinking. And that was just Saturday night. In the lobby. Between 11:52 pm and 11:54 pm. Mostly involving Cicily Janus.

But it would be too easy to write a column about such sordid topics. Besides, I have a dim recollection that something else happened this weekend during the non-drinking time. Something involving…umm…oh yeah! I remember. There was cussing, flirting, rumor-mongering, boundary-pushing, talk of gay porn, lesbianism, and open marriage, drinking…and that was just Jene Jackson’s book pitch. Which brings me to my point: gratitude.

For the last few months I’ve often vented my frustrations about waiting to hear from publishers and getting the occasional rejection. And yet, I’m ahead of the curve. This conference included so much relaxing and ribaldry for me because, for the first time ever, I wasn’t desperately working on a pitch or scheming about how to get to the right table to say the right things to effectively make an impression on an agent who was surrounded by hundreds of fellow writers doing the exact same thing.

I was, instead, lucky enough to have my agent at the conference. Meeting her for the first time in the flesh was a great privilege and joy, reminding me how lucky I am to have her in my corner. In other words — Aaron — quit all your damn whining. And yet, I still feel wretched whenever I think of the struggles  ahead–not only to find a publisher, but also to make a book successful enough to give me a bonafide career–things which still feel as out of reach as sobriety and good judgment were on Saturday night.

Meanwhile, my still-to-be-agented-friends would doubtless lie, cheat, steal, sacrifice, kill, and give their third virginities to trade places with me. And that’s just Deb Courtney (who will no doubt be agented soon–so please, Deb, don’t kill me…as for the 3rd virginity…we’ll talk).

If I had more time, I would continue this entry with case studies of three writers at different points in their careers to illustrate how long and strange this journey is and how curiously different yet the same the perspective is from any given stage (unagented, agented, published). Since Thursday is almost over, though, I’ll just go ahead and put that off to next week.

In the meantime, did anyone see outgoing PPW prez Chris Mandeville with the Navy boys on Friday night?

Let me begin by saying I do not have an altar in the corner of my room with a picture of literary agent Kristin Nelson. If I did, it definitely would not have red candles, a dadaist tribute to her web diary Pub Rants, or clippings of her hair. Because that would be weird. Who would put candles next to human hair? If there was a fire, think of the smell.

I will say this, however: Kristin Nelson (who generously contributes her time and talent to leading incredible seminars at PPWC and other conferences) taught me everything I could ever hope to know about writing query letters. I have no desire to plagiarize any of her content here. Check out Pub Rants and you’ll be delighted to learn all kinds of insider agent information, read successful queries, and just generally be delighted by insightful, fun writing about the world of publishing.

I do, though, want to share a tip or two that clicked in my head thanks to her help. For years I struggled to write a query that would adequately convey what my novel was about. This always seemed vaguely insulting to me. If I could convey my story in a paragraph, why would I have bothered to write 100,000 words in the first place?

Anyway, the two things I learned about query letters that changed my life are these:

1) Everyone knows that a query is a short letter about your book designed to convince agents or editors to acquire your work, but did you know: the query is not a short letter about your book designed to convince agents or editors to acquire your work? Firstly, and perhaps more obviously: your goal is not to get them to acquire your work. You just want them to ask for more, the first 20 pages or, if you’re lucky, the whole thing. But more importantly, the query is not a letter about your book. Even if you’re not afflicted, as I am, with verbal incontinence, it would be really hard to turn 100,000 words into 100. No…the query is not about your book. It’s about your hook. If you try to make your query paragraph a highlights reel of all the best parts of your story, you’ll end up with a choppy, confusing, befuddled mess. You’ll oversimplify your gloriously complex effort and probably bore your reader to boot. Don’t synopsize, spear. them. through their figurative little fish cheeks. with your hook.

2) Voice is vital. Back when I taught test prep, I would often give my students an exercise to help them with their grad school admissions essays. I would tell them to make a list of all the adjectives they could think of to describe themselves (smart, driven, passionate, etc.). I would then tell them to narrow the list to three or four key adjectives. As soon as they had their lists, I’d tell them to promise to NEVER use a single one of those words in their essays or application materials. Instead, I told them to demonstrate those adjectives with stories from their lives. As far as the query goes, I’d suggest a similar challenge. As much as you might like to write that your book is a “funny, compelling, suspenseful tale about a brephophagist who likes to take kriobolies,” force yourself to show those adjectives. Make your writing in the query letter funny, compelling, and suspenseful when you describe your ram’s-blood-bathing- baby-eater.

Anyway…Kristin is much better at this than I am. Check out Pub Rants if you haven’t already. You’ll be happy you did.

Later this week, I’ll show my warts-and-all queries and describe how I managed to land an agent.

Stay tuned!