A famous vegetarian once said that murder is as easy to learn as your ABCs. Of course, this vegetarian also said “de do do do, de da da da.” But I think he had a point. Sometimes, de do do do, de da da da is all I have to say to you. But as far as the murder thing goes, I think Sting has never tried murdering a word. Here is the thing about words, they–like Steven Seagall (or was it Jean Claude Van Damme?)–are hard to kill. I have been trying to murder “blog” for all of three days now and there are still 1,570,000,000 entries on Google with that word in them.

Some words are wusses. For example, brephophagist (n. one who eats babies) thankfully disappeared from common usage in the late nineteenth century and despite the popularity of Fat Bastard and Ann Coulter has not made a resurgence. Even extraordinarily useful words like “scaevity” (n. unluckiness/left-handedness) and “krioboly” (n. a bath in the blood of rams) have met their ends. “Scaevity,” I believe, went out of fashion when people finally realized left-handed people weren’t unlucky, just evil. “Krioboly,” on the other hand, maintained some currency until a law was passed prohibiting left-handed people from taking their kriobolies in public. As any southpaw will tell you, if people don’t see you bathing in ram’s blood, it’s just not worth it.

But “blog” is proving harder to kill. So, we must redouble our efforts. Thanks to R. Michael Burns for “cybertribes” and Ron Chalice for “thoughtpuke,” but surely there are more than 2 better words for that word out there. If we are to defeat that word, we must launch an entire army of better options. So get noodling, dear readers. As for me, my krioboly is getting cold, but I shall be back with more tomorrow.

In the meantime, if you want to check out more fun dead words, visit: http://phrontistery.info/clw.html.

You know it. I know it. The word “blog” must be stopped. I’m no reactionary, but it’s clear that if that word continues to pollute the English language we’re all going to die. Probably when we’re 73.6 if we’re a man or 79.4 if we’re a woman. But here’s the problem: when we die, we’ll die knowing that the greatest new literary form of the 21st century was saddled with a name that sounds like a cross between a frat boy at the end of a Friday night and a sorority girl standing beneath the balcony where said frat boy ended said Friday night. And we will have done nothing about it.

Now, I realize the world has a few problems that might be considered more urgent than eliminating that word from the English language, but we’ll get to those in time. I figure since I’m writing a that word about publishing–in which the average aspiring author has a 3 in 10,000 chance of getting published–I might as well take up a few other improbable causes along the way (such as: keeping to a regular exercise schedule, eliminating our global dependency on antibacterial soap, and saving the world in seven words or less). In the meantime, I need a cause to kick things off and since I couldn’t bring myself to call my that word a that word, I decided to launch a full-fledged movement against that word.

So…dear reader…join me. Email this that word entry to all of your friends. If they, or someone they know, is a that worder, ask them to do the following:

1) Remove that word from their web site.
2) Rename their that word something more clever and less appallingly ugly. (I have chosen “Diascribe” (thanks to Brett Spencer (who came up with it (Do you know Brett? (You should. (He’s a gentleman and a scholar. (And a fine cook who understands the great versatility of nutmeg.))))))).
3) Have conversations where you cleverly insert your shiny new word at appropriate moments: (e.g., Me: Hi Mom. Random other person: Hi son. Have you heard the horrible news? So-and-so’s such-and-such just died. She’s miserable, you need to call her right away. Me: Diascribe.)
4) Email me at diascribe@gmail.com and I will keep a posting on this that word with lots of alternative options for that word. Speaking with atypical humility, I doubt that “diascribe” will come to replace “that word,” but I have complete faith in humanity to come up with something better. Of course, one could argue that humanity already chose “that word.” And one would probably have a point. Stupid one.
5) Don’t listen to one. We can do better. That word has only been a word since April of 1999 when Peter Merholz used it in his that word. And if there’s one thing I know about eight-year-olds, it’s this—they’re easy to beat up. I know. I used to be one.

Will you join me? All you have to do to get this grand movement against the tyranny of ugly words underway is to email this diascribe to all of your friends. And, of course, get cracking on a new word for that word. Together, we can prevail.

The challenge: Invent a new word to replace the vomitesque “blog” as the name for online journals.

Things to consider: To properly replace that word, the new word should be fairly versatile, able to function as a noun, a verb and possibly even an interjection (e.g., “I diascribe a diascribe. Would you like to read it? No? Fine, then diascribe you!)

The new word should provide some indication of its meaning and feel modern (though not in a sterile science-fictiony way). That word is a sterile, science-fictiony portmanteau of “web” and “log,” but by no means must the new word be a portmanteau. If you are impressed that I have just used the word “portmanteau” twice in one sentence, I accept your approbation and share none of the credit with Wikipedia’s entry on blogs. I haven’t even read it.

The new word should sound appealing when appended with a suffix like -er, -ist, etc. (e.g., “Hello, I am a renowned diascribblian. May I please have that corner table where the celebrities usually sit? Yes, I’m aware there’s a 3 hour wait. No, I would not care to put my name on the list. Perhaps my friend Thomas Jefferson might change your mind. You didn’t realize he was on the two dollar bill? Many people forget that. Go figure, that drunkard Grant gets the fifty and the writer of the Declaration of Independence is stuck with the lousy two. What, you think President Grant deserves the 50? Vicksburg, shmicksburg. You ever heard of a little thing called the Whiskey Ring of 1875? That’s right, biatch. You so stupid yo mama say ‘Hey, Stupid!’ whenever she call yo ass in for stupid lessons…I see. Yes, I’ll go now.”)

Options: In the form of…

Word (as a gerund, as a name for practitioner of word, as an adjective) submitted by: [use in a sentence]

diascribe (diascibing, diascribblian, diascribish) submitted by the incomparable Brett Spencer [see above]

webry (webrizing, webrarian, webrish) submitted by anonymous user: abrown [”Webry is a portmanteau of web and diary. No, I’m not just showing off again by using my big fancy word portmanteau which I did not learn from Wikipedia. Take care, lest I webrize your slander for all the world to see.”]

com (comming, commie, commish) submitted by anonymous user: abrown [”As both an abbreviation of commentary, communication and co-marriage, and as a reference to the dot-com world from whence the artform now known as “comming” sprang, “com” easily replaced “blog” as the favored term for describing online journals.”]

portmanteau (portmanteauing, portmanteauer, portmanteauy) submitted by anonymous user: abrown [”Shut up. “Portmanteau” is totally a cool word. No, you’re stupid. No, I don’t know why all of my imaginary conversations turn hostile. No, you’re fat.”]